"Please feel free to disregard this question if it comes at a bad time for you personally, but what level of stigma, if any, does divorce have among Mormons? For example, if you were still Mormon, and moved into a new area where you didn't know anyone as a divorced single mother, how would you be viewed in comparison to a still-married mother, a widow with a child, a never-married single mother with a biological child, or the single mother of an adopted child? How about fathers in similar circumstances?
It seems like there has been a lot of "one man, one woman" talk lately which has come up because of same-sex marriage. Has it had an adverse effect on straight Mormons who don't have their families "properly" set up?"
This is an excellent question, and the answer is not a simple yes or no. The ideal family within Mainstream Mormonism has been one man, and one woman and children for a long time. As far as I was taught, even when polygamy was actively practiced it was not widely practiced. (I could be wrong on this, as it turns out I have not had the most reliable church history teachers throughout my life, and I have gotten the cleansed version of things.) But at least as long as I have been alive, it was one man, one woman, and children.
That said, it is recognized that families don't all fit the mold. The main point when a family doesn't fit the mold isn't "are they or aren't they," but rather "What are they seeking? Why are they where they are? and What are their goals and aspirations?" This is true of ANY family that doesn't fit the mold. If a couple has no children--did they choose it? (that's BAD!) or is it something they are fighting to try and overcome? (that's GOOD!) A woman is single . . . because she hasnt' found the right man, but does want greatly to be married? (good) or because she has chosen education and career? (bad)
The examples you asked about--
a divorced single mother: who left? was there abuse? did she leave protecting her kids? did he cheat? the why matters. Is she temple worthy? Is she looking to remarry a nice LDS man? if so than she will be looked on with sympathy and given support and encouragement.
If she left to be with someone else, or because she wasn't fulfilled . . . that might be different. Though I am racking my brains trying to think of anyone I ever met in church who was a divorced single mother where it wasn't a case of the father being the villain, and I can't think of any. I'll throw that out to readers. did you know any divorced single mothers, active in the church, who weren't victims?
a still-married mother: This is best. you should stay married. if your marriage sucks, work harder. Endure. This is a link to one of the videos in the "I'm an Ex-Mormon" series and Heather talks about the advice she was given about her unhappy marriage.
A widow with a child: Well who doesn't love the widows! Monson is a particular advocate of helping the widows and orphans. It's quite a joke among some former mormons. But again, it is assumed they are still striving to live the gospel, that if they weren't widows they would still be happily married for eternity. That as widows, they are faithful to their dead husbands and they live worthy to go to the temple.
A never-married single mother with a biological child: This one is tougher. Why didn't she place the child? Did the birth father prevent her from placing? Strangly, the Church is one of the few places where it is BETTER to place a child for adoption, than to keep it if you are single and have no hope of marrying the other parent. This is not the case in most of the United States and probably not the world. But within the church . . . she should marry, or place the baby. (good) Keeping the baby is not looked on highly. there is a stigma. not severe if she is living everything else to the best of her ability. She can repent her immorality. And she might marry. But this is a very very hard position for a young mother to be in. Her child is worthy of pity.
On a personal note, I HUGELY support placing babies for adoption over keeping them if the mother is young or unable to care for the child. I am an adoptive mother and wouldn't BE a mother if my child's birthparents hadn't made that choice. I am continually baffled by a country that vilifies birthparents for placing babies, but makes it nearly impossible for a young woman who is considering placing a baby to do so without the burden of immense guilt. the same people who would congratulate me on my adoption would criticize my child's birthparent. But I assure you they would only do it once.
But I digress . . .
The single mother of an adopted child: unheard of. Just doesn't happen. (I'm sure it probably does, but it is not common and would be shocking.) Single people are not encouraged to adopt. LDS family services won't place a baby with a single parent.
What about fathers in the same circumstances: Again . . . how did he come to be a single father? is he looking righteously to remedy the situation? Is he living righteously in all other areas? was it his choice? or not? If he didn't chose it and he is striving to be a good dad and live the gospel, then he will receive great sympathy and encouragement. And probably love and baked goods from the older single females (spinsters) in the ward.
If he chose it or if he isn't looking to marry, he may be looked down on. And his children pitied.
This is the official church stance on what a family should be. It is not flexible. In the Proclamation it states:
"THE FAMILY is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity. Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities. By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners. Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation. Extended families should lend support when needed.
WE WARN that individuals who violate covenants of chastity, who abuse spouse or offspring, or who fail to fulfill family responsibilities will one day stand accountable before God. Further, we warn that the disintegration of the family will bring upon individuals, communities, and nations the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets."
I added the highlighting. As you can see, variations are acceptable . . . but only for acceptable reasons. And that poor unwed mother . . . she better repent well.
I hope this was enlightening to you and thanks for the question! I've missed my blog and I'm happy to be settled enough to write again!
Thanks for reading and please send me your questions to askanexmormon@gmail.com
Molly
